“The head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3

Among the most controversial Scriptures are those relating to a wife’s obligation to “submit” to a husband’s leadership. This principle offends many women. Furthermore, it places power in the hands of men who sometimes misuse it. And yet, there it is, time and again: “The husband is head of the wife.” Those words can’t be brushed aside by those who rely on Scripture as their infallible guide. But what does this “headship” really mean?

The Bible makes it clear that the husband is to be the leader in his home, yet he has no right to run roughshod over the opinions and feelings of his wife. He is to love her as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) and to serve her unselfishly and compassionately. A man should include his wife in making mutually satisfying decisions, always working to incorporate her perspectives and seeking compromise when possible. In situations where they simply cannot find common ground, Scripture gives the man the prerogative—and responsibility—to choose and lead. Yet in this case, he must be more sensitive and considerate than ever, bearing in mind that he will ultimately answer to God not only for his choices, but for his treatment of his wife.

Just between us…

• (husband) How would you rate my leadership as your husband?
• Does our decision‐making process fit the biblical model? (wife)
• How do you feel about your role as “leader in the home”?
• (husband) Am I sensitive to your feelings regarding decisions?

Heavenly Father, in Your divine plan for marriage You have asked the husband to lead and the wife to submit, and we want so much to obey You. We come humbly now, asking for Your wisdom and help to do so. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

by Thom Hunter

My preteen son Patrick doesn’t take many things seriously, but occasionally something grabs hold of him and he just won’t let it go. He will question an idea or concept until he is satisfied that society isn’t misleading him and that all is right in his world.

I’m never prepared for his persistence.

“Dad, can we go to the movies today?” he asked as we crawled down the optimistically named Northwest Expressway. “Maybe,” I said. “I’ll check with Mom when we get home.” “She’ll say no,” he said. “She’ll say we need to clean our rooms, or read a book, or play outside. Or… or something else.” The tires on the van made a couple more rotations. “Dad?” asked Patrick. “Can we get another hamster?” What a radical idea. We hadn’t had a hamster die on us in weeks. “Well, maybe,” I answered. “We’ll see what Mom thinks.”

I turned off the radio. “Dad?” came the voice again. “Can we eat out tonight?” “Probably,” I said. “If Mom doesn’t already have something planned.” I pushed a cassette tape into the player. “Dad?” Patrick asked. “Is Mom the head of our house?” Wham! I felt like I was in a ten‐car pileup. My face was turning red.

My temperature was rising. I was suddenly feeling closed in by the cars surrounding me. I looked in the rearview mirror. Patrick was perched in the middle of the seat behind me, an innocent little grin on his face.

“Patrick,” I said, “I am the head of the household. I make the decisions. And don’t you forget it. Understand?”

“Okay,” he said. “Does that mean we can eat out, go to the movies, and pick up a new hamster on the way home?”

He’d set me up. And I almost fell for it. He was watering down the parent partnership, looking for a crack in which to stick a wedge, testing a biblical concept, and looking for the advantage in the process.

What do pizza, hamsters, and big‐screen fantasy have to do with whether or not I am fulfilling my role as head of the family? I asked myself that question as I zeroed in on the bumper in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and avoided the accident. Fortunately, we were at the expressway’s top speed of seven miles an hour.

For scoring purposes, we did eat out and go to the movies that night, but we decided to sell the hamster cage. “We” made those decisions, his mother and I. This “head of the household” thing is very touchy to me. When I was growing up, there was never any doubt. Mother was the head of the household. But she had never intended it to be that way. She was supposed to have had a partner. She understood the concept of a helpmeet. If my father had been a different kind of man and hadn’t left us when I was six years old, she would have made a wonderful complement to him.

“You must be a man,” she would tell me when I was a teenager. “Take the responsibility; don’t run from the decisions; love your wife; cherish your children.”

And be the head of the household.

So I always wanted to be the head of the household: ruler over all I surveyed, supreme commander, father and master of my many loyal subjects. I carried this dream to the altar and later into the delivery room—five times. My kingdom went from squalling to crawling to sprawling all around me.

So, if I am the head of the household, why is the head aching and the house barely holding together? And if I am the head of the household, why do I sometimes go to bed with dishpan hands and worry that I’ve forgotten to unplug the iron?

If I am the head of the household, why do I have to barter for time to watch a football game on television, promising to ride bikes for two hours in exchange for ten minutes of solitude?

And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cut my subjects’ plates of meat after I set the table? And why do I have to clear the table and pick up mushy mashed potatoes from the floor with my bare hands while everyone else has dessert they weren’t supposed to get unless they ate all their mashed potatoes?

And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cover five other bodies before I pull my own blanket up to my own chin; explain away everybody else’s nightmares before I take on my own; fluff their pillows and tuck their feet back under the sheets; get them one more drink; and plug in their night‐lights?

And if I am the head of the household, why do I have to rub my wife’s back before she can go to sleep?

Why, I ask? Why do I have to do all these things? Because I am the head of the household, that’s why. If I don’t listen… if I am inconsiderate of others… if I make decisions without the input of the wife God gave me…if I try to do it on my own without God, then I may as well forget about being the head of the household.

That’s what I’ll tell Patrick next trip down the Northwest Expressway. We’ll have plenty of time.

Looking ahead…

Husband, this week is designed especially for you. (But we still want your wife to participate!) Like the author of the story above, do you sometimes struggle with your role as “head of the house”? What exactly does that mean, anyway? It is a controversial topic in today’s world, but there are biblical truths on which to base an understanding.

We’ll offer some of these principles this week. For tonight, why don’t you tell your wife how you define “head of the house”—then ask if she agrees.

– James C Dobson

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“As a fair exchange… open wide your hearts.” 2 Corinthians 6:13

My husband has used a single illustration to help parents teach the art of communication to their children. It might be useful to our female readers, as well, in explaining to their husbands how to talk to them. It goes like this:

Give three tennis balls to your husband and ask him to throw them back one at a time. Instead of returning the balls, however, simply hold them. He’ll be left wondering what to do next. Obviously, it isn’t much of a game. Then explain your point—good conversation is much like a game of catch. You “throw” an idea or comment to your husband (How was work?), and he tosses it back (Great! I finally finished that project for the boss). If your husband doesn’t return it (Work was fine), the game ends. Both players feel awkward and wish they were somewhere else.

Of course, husbands and wives should do more than toss superficial details to each other. They should practice sharing dreams, feelings, marriage, spiritual goals, etc. But it all starts with playing the conversation game.

– Shirley M Dobson

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning.” Proverbs 1:5

Men may use less speech than women, but both sexes have been accused of not using their sense of hearing. “You never told me that” is a common household refrain. I (jcd) am reminded of the night my father was preaching at an open tent service. During his sermon, an alley cat decided to take a nap on the platform. My father, who was 6’4″, took a step backward and planted his heel squarely on the poor creature’s tail. The cat went crazy, scratching and clawing to free himself. But Dad, intent on his message, didn’t notice. He later said he thought the screech came from the brakes of automobiles at a nearby stop sign. When my father finally moved his foot, the cat took off like a Saturn rocket.

This story illustrates the communication problem many couples face.

For example, a wife “screams” for attention and intimacy but feels that he doesn’t even notice. It’s not that he can’t hear her; it’s that he’s thinking about something else or is completely misinterpreting her signals. This situation can easily be improved by simply “tuning in” to the station on which your mate is broadcasting. The truth is that careful listening feels so much like love that most of us can hardly tell the difference.

Just between us…

• When we tell each other something that doesn’t get through, who is to blame—the “sender,” the “receiver,” or both?
• What have you wanted to say, but didn’t because you couldn’t get my attention?
• How could learning to listen better to each other help us listen better to God?

Dear God, teach us the wisdom and grace of listening. Help us to pay attention to each word as though we were listening to You. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37

Love can be defined in myriad ways, but in marriage “I love you” really means “I promise to be there for you all of my days.” It is a promise that says, “I’ll be there when you lose your job, your health, your parents, your looks, your confidence, your friends.” It’s a promise that tells your partner, “I’ll build you up; I’ll overlook your weaknesses; I’ll forgive your mistakes; I’ll put your needs above my own; I’ll stick by you even when the going gets tough.”

This kind of assurance will hold you steady through all of life’s ups and downs, through all the “better or worse” conditions.

The Lord has demonstrated throughout the ages that He keeps His promises—including the most important one of all, reserving a spot in heaven for each of His followers, for all eternity. Since God keeps His promises, we must keep ours too—especially the one we made before God, our family, our friends, and our church on our wedding day.

Just between us…

• What part of my wedding vow means the most to you now?
• In what ways has our pledge to “stick together no matter what” seen us through hard times?
• How do we benefit spiritually from keeping our commitments?

Dear Lord, give us Your strength today to honor our promises. May our word be our bond—to each other, to our friends, and to family and associates. Thank You that You never waiver on Your promises to us! Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“They should always pray and not give up.” Luke 18:1

When I was only eight years old, I began praying for my dysfunctional family while alone in my bedroom. It still brings tears to my eyes to think that Jesus Christ was listening to me—a little child from a poor family—in those quiet moments. I had no status or influence in the community—no particular skills or talent that the Lord needed. And yet He accepted and blessed me in the years that followed. Those early prayers for a loving family, and later for a Christian husband, were answered beyond my greatest hopes and dreams.

Some of you reading this tonight, however, have also prayed unceasingly for what you believe is God’s will—yet you’ve seen no evidence that He has even heard your prayers. I know of one husband and wife who have prayed for the salvation of their children for more than twenty‐five years, with no hint of change. To those in a similar situation: I understand your discouragement. I don’t know why the Lord chooses to grant some of our petitions more quickly than others—but I do know that He honors the prayers of His righteous followers, and that we should stay on our knees before Him.

Luke 18 records the parable Jesus told about the widow who approached a judge, day after day, asking for justice against her adversary. For some time the judge refused. Finally, however, he gave in, “so that she won’t eventually wear me out with her coming!” Jesus was telling us to not give up, but to pray persistently for the desires of our hearts.

I have based my life on my belief in the power and importance of prayer. That’s why I agreed to chair the National Day of Prayer Task Force. And it is why Jim and I have made prayer the cornerstone of our marriage. Consistent prayer can also undergird and sustain your marital relationship through the years. We encourage the two of you to bow before our great, loving God—tonight and every night.

Shirley M Dobson

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“If we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” 1 John 5:14

It’s tempting for some of us to view our Lord as a heavenly “Mr. Fix‐It”—a supernatural problem solver who can be manipulated according to our whims. We might make a little wager on our favorite football team and then pray for God to intervene so our team will win. Or on the day of the church picnic, we might pray for a rainstorm so we don’t have to fix that potato salad we promised to bring.

Others see prayer as a negotiating tool. They want to make a deal with God: “Lord, if You give me this promotion at work… or allow me to get pregnant this month…or let that car at the dealership still be on sale… then I promise I’ll do [fill in the blank] for You.”

Of course these are foolish bargains that reveal a misunderstanding of the majesty of God. He is Lord of lords, King of kings, and Creator of all heaven and earth. He is not a deal maker who allows Himself to be manipulated. Instead, He wants us to carefully consider His will for our lives before we pray. Prayer is a privilege—a direct line to the Lord’s eternal wisdom and love. Let’s not forget what a blessing it is just to come into His presence.

Just between us…

• Have you ever tried to manipulate God through prayer?
• How can we be sure our prayer petitions are within God’s will?
• Do our prayers include adoration, devotion, and intercession, or do they represent merely a daily “wish list”?
• How might our relationship change if we focused on prayer from

God’s perspective?

Heavenly Father, thank You for the privilege of bringing our requests to You. Give us a deep desire for Your will—not ours—for our marriage, and help us to shape our prayers and our priorities accordingly. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

“For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

The day you were married, you probably knelt together and shared a prayer during your wedding ceremony. In front of family and friends, you helped cement your union through this joint conversation with the Lord. Sadly, many couples never pray together again.

Don’t misunderstand—prayer when you are alone, with a friend, in a Bible study, or in church is extremely important and valued just as much by our heavenly Father. But there is something special about prayer between husband, wife, and God that can’t be found elsewhere. It creates a spiritual connection, accountability, and a holy bond that brings strength and stability to the relationship. It can even allow you to communicate about sensitive issues that might otherwise never come out—issues that can be discussed and prayed over in a spirit of humility and purity of motive.

The old saw “The family that prays together, stays together” still applies today. We encourage you to remember it the next time you kneel in prayer.

Just between us…

• When was our last meaningful prayer time together?
• What’s the most common obstacle that keeps us from praying together?
• How do you feel about praying with me?
• How could we benefit from praying as a couple?
• Should we schedule a regular time of prayer together?

Father, You have blessed us with each other as partners in marriage. Show us how to make prayer—together—a regular part of our life. Amen.

From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson