“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4
A girl named Lucy gained something of a reputation for her deceitful nature. Countless times she persuaded a boy named Charlie Brown to try to kick the football she was holding, and each time she snatched it away just before he could boot it.
In the comic strips or in real life, a deceitful woman is best avoided. Solomon described such a wife as “decay in his bones.” The king must have known many a troublesome woman, for he also declared, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9). The Bible lists many other examples of women who showed disgraceful behavior, including Eve and Lot’s wife (disobedient), Michal (critical), Jezebel (unscrupulous and violent), Job’s wife (foolish),
Herodias (cruel), and Sapphira (greedy).
Temptation will come to even the most spiritual among us, but the wife who holds fast to her noble character will bring glory to God and blessings to her husband and herself.
Just between us…
(wife) If you were asked to describe my character, would the word noble come to mind? Why or why not?
What is noble character, and how can it bring glory to God? (You might consider some examples of noble women in the Bible—Ruth, Abigail, Mary of Bethany, and Mary, the mother of Jesus.)
How can you and I teach noble character to the next generation?
(wife) Dear Father, help me to receive the teaching of Your Word: It’s noble character—not youth, beauty, charm, or wealth—that will make me a priceless crown to my husband. Help me to be that kind of wife in word and deed. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
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Night Light for Couples – Believe in Him
“The wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
The male ego is surprisingly fragile, especially during times of failure and embarrassment. It’s one of the reasons why a husband desperately needs his wife’s support and respect.
Jane Hill clearly understood this aspect of a wife’s role. Over Jane’s objections, E. V. once invested his family’s scarce resources in the purchase of a service station. Jane opposed the decision because she knew that her husband lacked the time and expertise to oversee his investment. She was right; the station went broke. When E. V. called to say he’d lost the station, Jane could have said, “I told you so” and crushed his spirit. He could have been humiliated in that moment of vulnerability. Instead, she said, “If you smoked and drank, you would have lost as much as you lost in the service station. So it’s six in one hand and a half‐dozen in the other. Let’s forget it.”
A wife can “make” or “break” a man. If she believes in her husband and has confidence in his leadership, he typically gains the confidence he needs to take risks and use his assets wisely. But if she is competitive, critical, and disrespectful of her husband, she becomes a liability to the entire family. Read Ephesians 5:33 again. One of the most important keys to a successful marriage is found in a single word: respect!
Just between us…
- (wife) Do you feel that I believe in you?
- (wife) What do you think is the biggest setback or failure you’ve experienced? Did I show support at that time?
- (wife) How can I better show respect to you?
(wife) Heavenly Father, forgive me for the times I have not shown my husband respect. I want to increase his self-confidence, not diminish it. Please show me how to become that kind of godly wife. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – A Suitable Helper
“The Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” Genesis 2:22
From the beginning, God was clear about a woman’s primary role in this world. Genesis 2:18 reads: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” No one took her role as helper more seriously than Jane Hill, late wife of Los Angeles pastor E. V. Hill. She loved him deeply and devoted herself to his needs. E. V. once received a death threat from gang members indicating he would be killed the next day. He woke up the following morning “thankful to be alive,” as he told it later. “But I noticed that [Jane] was gone. I looked out my window, and my car was gone. I went outside and finally saw her driving up, still in her robe. I said, ‘Where have you been?’ She said, ‘I… I… it just occurred to me that they [could have] put a bomb in that car last night, and if you had gotten in there you would have been blown away. So I got up and drove it. It’s all right.’”
A man is fortunate indeed when his wife is his devoted helper— whether she bakes him a cake, soothes his aching muscles, or even puts her life on the line for him. No role demonstrates more beautifully the way Jesus shows His love for each of us.
Just between us…
- (husband) Does the role of “helper” seem insulting to you?
- (husband) Is it easy for you to “serve” me as your husband?
- (husband) Do I notice and respond when you do?
- (wife) Which aspect of my support means the most to you?
(wife) Dear Lord, thank You for creating me to help and serve my husband. I embrace this ministry with all my heart! Grant me Your wisdom, strength, and joy in this calling. Bless him through my every word and deed. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Martha’s Secret Ingredient
by Roy J. Reiman
It bothered Ben every time he walked through the kitchen. It was that little metal container on the shelf above Martha’s cook stove. He probably would not have noticed it so much or been bothered by it if Martha had not repeatedly told him never to touch it. The reason, she said, was that it contained a “secret herb” from her mother, and since she had no way of refilling the container, she was concerned that if Ben or anyone else ever picked it up and looked inside, they might accidentally drop it and spill its valuable contents.
The container wasn’t really much to look at. It was so old that much of its original red and gold floral pattern had faded. You could tell right where it had been gripped again and again when the container was lifted and its tight lid pulled off. Not only Martha’s fingers had gripped it there; her mother’s and her grandmother’s had, too. Martha didn’t know for sure, but she thought that perhaps even her great‐grandmother had used this same container and its “secret herb.”
All Ben knew for certain was that shortly after he had married Martha, her mother had brought the container to Martha and told her to make the same loving use of its contents as she had.
And she did, faithfully. Ben never saw Martha cook a dish without taking the container off the shelf and sprinkling just a little of the secret herb over the ingredients. Even when she baked cakes, pies, and cookies, she added a light sprinkling just before she put the pans in the oven.
Whatever was in that container, it sure worked, for Ben thought that Martha was the best cook in the world. He wasn’t alone in that opinion— anyone who ever ate at their house grandly praised Martha’s cooking.
But why wouldn’t she let Ben touch that little container? Was she really afraid he’d spill its contents? And what did that secret herb look like? It was so fine that whenever Martha sprinkled it over the food she was preparing, Ben couldn’t quite make out its texture. She obviously had to use very little of it because there was no way to refill the container.
Somehow Martha had stretched those contents over thirty years of marriage, and it had never failed to effect mouth‐watering results.
Ben became increasingly tempted to look into that container just once, but he never brought himself to do so.
Then one day Martha became ill. Ben took her to the hospital, where they kept her overnight. When he returned home, he found it extremely lonely in the house. Martha had never been gone overnight before. And when it neared suppertime, he wondered what to do— Martha had so loved to cook that he had never bothered to learn much about preparing food.
When he wandered into the kitchen to see what was in the refrigerator, he immediately saw the container on the shelf. His eyes were drawn to it like a magnet. He quickly looked away, but his curiosity drew him back.
What was in that container? Why wasn’t he to touch it? What did that secret herb look like? How much of it was left?
Ben looked away again and lifted the cover of a large cake pan on the kitchen counter. Ahh… there was more than half of one of Martha’s great cakes left. He cut off a large piece, sat down at the kitchen table, and hadn’t taken more than one bite when his eyes went back to that container again. What would it hurt if he looked inside? Why was Martha so secretive about that container, anyway?
Ben took another bite and debated with himself—should he or shouldn’t he? For five more big bites he thought about it, staring at the container. Finally he could no longer resist.
He walked slowly across the room and ever so carefully took the container off the shelf, fearing that—horror of horrors—he’d spill the contents while sneaking a peek.
He set the container on the counter and carefully pried off the lid. He was almost scared to look inside! When the inside of the container came into full view, Ben’s eyes opened wide. Why, the container was empty—except for a little folded scrap of paper at the bottom.
Ben reached down for the paper, struggling to get his big rugged hand inside. He carefully picked it up by a corner, removed it, and slowly unfolded it under the kitchen light.
A brief note was scrawled inside, and Ben immediately recognized the handwriting as that of Martha’s mother. Very simply it said: “Martha—To everything you make, add a dash of love.”
Ben swallowed hard, replaced the note and the container, and quietly went back to finishing his cake. Now he completely understood why it tasted so good.
Looking ahead…
Even though for the first thirty years of their marriage, Ben couldn’t quite identify his wife’s “secret herb,” he knew it was there—and that it made a wonderful difference in his wife’s cooking. If you’re the wife in the marriage partnership, I suspect that you have added your own secret ingredient to many aspects of your marriage.
We’ll be talking about the role of a wife this week and offering several definitions, but most of it boils down to this: As you help and care for your husband, add a dash of love to everything you do.
– James C Dobson
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – A Wife’s Countenance
“He is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5
If you really want to know about a man and what kind of character he has, you need only look at the countenance of his wife. Everything he has invested, or withheld, will be there.”
That was the message Bill McCartney, then head coach of the University of Colorado football team, heard in a 1994 sermon. The words cut straight to his heart. McCartney had built the Colorado football program into a powerhouse that won a national championship in 1990. He had also cofounded a national men’s movement, Promise Keepers. But those achievements came at a price. For years McCartney had withheld his time and energy from his wife, Lyndi, and their four children. In 1994 Bill McCartney didn’t like what he saw in Lyndi’s countenance— so he resigned his position at Colorado to devote more time to his wife and family.
As a husband, you bear the primary responsibility for your wife’s welfare and emotional well‐being. What do you see in her face tonight?
Just between us…
- (husband) Do you ever feel like you’re competing for my attention?
- (husband) Do I appear preoccupied by my work or recreational activities?
- (wife) What do you imagine it was like for Bill McCartney to walk away from his successful coaching career?
- (wife) Do you ever struggle with trying to care for my emotional well‐being? Is there anything I can do to help?
(husband) Almighty God, with Your help I wholeheartedly accept my responsibility to care for my wife’s emotional well-being. May I increasingly become a master at it, so that I can see joy and contentment in her face. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – A Wife’s Countenance
“He is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Deuteronomy 24:5
If you really want to know about a man and what kind of character he has, you need only look at the countenance of his wife. Everything he has invested, or withheld, will be there.”
That was the message Bill McCartney, then head coach of the University of Colorado football team, heard in a 1994 sermon. The words cut straight to his heart. McCartney had built the Colorado football program into a powerhouse that won a national championship in 1990. He had also cofounded a national men’s movement, Promise Keepers. But those achievements came at a price. For years McCartney had withheld his time and energy from his wife, Lyndi, and their four children. In 1994 Bill McCartney didn’t like what he saw in Lyndi’s countenance— so he resigned his position at Colorado to devote more time to his wife and family.
As a husband, you bear the primary responsibility for your wife’s welfare and emotional well‐being. What do you see in her face tonight?
Just between us…
- (husband) Do you ever feel like you’re competing for my attention?
- (husband) Do I appear preoccupied by my work or recreational activities?
- (wife) What do you imagine it was like for Bill McCartney to walk away from his successful coaching career?
- (wife) Do you ever struggle with trying to care for my emotional well‐being? Is there anything I can do to help?
(husband) Almighty God, with Your help I wholeheartedly accept my responsibility to care for my wife’s emotional well-being. May I increasingly become a master at it, so that I can see joy and contentment in her face. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – The Renegade Male
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
Author Derek Prince has described the “renegade male” as one of society’s biggest problems. The word renegade actually means “one who has shirked his primary responsibilities.” It is an accurate description of those husbands and fathers who pour every resource into work or pleasure, leaving the child‐rearing task entirely to their wives. Both boys and girls desperately need their fathers, who have a specific role to play in their lives.
Research in the field of child development has confirmed that the absence of positive masculine influence plays a key role in adolescent rebellion, sex‐role identity, and cohesion within the family. Conversely, those who accept their God‐given responsibilities at home have a fleeting—and golden—opportunity to shape the little lives entrusted to their care.
Just between us…
- (husband) Do I ever resemble a renegade male? How?
- (husband) In what ways have I been a good father? (For couples without children: What kind of father would I be?)
- (wife) How have our own fathers been good or poor examples of fulfilling their responsibilities at home?
- (wife) How, as a wife, can I help you be a better father?
(husband) Dear God, thank You for the responsibility and opportunity to impact my children for good. I want to be faithful. Help me to celebrate— not resent—my fatherly duties. Through my sometimes inadequate efforts, accomplish great things in the lives of my kids. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – The Single Man
“Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:10
Contrary to conventional wisdom, the single man often has a rough go of life. He is far more likely than an unmarried female to be an alcoholic, drug user, or convicted criminal. He is less responsible about his driving habits, finances, and personal appearance. (Check with your auto insurance agent, bank officer, or neighbor with college‐age sons if you doubt this statement.)
There are millions of exceptions, of course, but statistically speaking, an unmarried young man is at risk for many antisocial behaviors. Yet when he falls in love, marries, and begins to care for, protect, and support his wife, he becomes a mainstay of social order. His selfish impulses are inhibited. His sexual passions are channeled. He discovers a sense of pride in his family. He learns why, on average, a married man lives a longer and happier life than his single counterpart.
God knew what He was doing when He designed the institution of marriage. It’s a smart husband who recognizes this and lovingly cultivates his relationship with his wife.
Just between us…
- Do you feel you changed after we married?
- Do you ever miss being single? Why?
- How has being married to me benefited your life?
- How can I help you feel more joy in our marriage and pride in our family?
(husband) Dear God, thank You for Your gift to me of marriage. Thank You for my lovely spouse and for Your daily blessing on our relationship and our home. May I never take Your generosity for granted or Your holy purposes lightly. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Decisions, Decisions
“The head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Corinthians 11:3
Among the most controversial Scriptures are those relating to a wife’s obligation to “submit” to a husband’s leadership. This principle offends many women. Furthermore, it places power in the hands of men who sometimes misuse it. And yet, there it is, time and again: “The husband is head of the wife.” Those words can’t be brushed aside by those who rely on Scripture as their infallible guide. But what does this “headship” really mean?
The Bible makes it clear that the husband is to be the leader in his home, yet he has no right to run roughshod over the opinions and feelings of his wife. He is to love her as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) and to serve her unselfishly and compassionately. A man should include his wife in making mutually satisfying decisions, always working to incorporate her perspectives and seeking compromise when possible. In situations where they simply cannot find common ground, Scripture gives the man the prerogative—and responsibility—to choose and lead. Yet in this case, he must be more sensitive and considerate than ever, bearing in mind that he will ultimately answer to God not only for his choices, but for his treatment of his wife.
Just between us…
- (husband) How would you rate my leadership as your husband?
- Does our decision‐making process fit the biblical model? (wife)
- How do you feel about your role as “leader in the home”?
- (husband) Am I sensitive to your feelings regarding decisions?
Heavenly Father, in Your divine plan for marriage You have asked the husband to lead and the wife to submit, and we want so much to obey You. We come humbly now, asking for Your wisdom and help to do so. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Head of the House
by Thom Hunter
My preteen son Patrick doesn’t take many things seriously, but occasionally something grabs hold of him and he just won’t let it go. He will question an idea or concept until he is satisfied that society isn’t misleading him and that all is right in his world.
I’m never prepared for his persistence.
“Dad, can we go to the movies today?” he asked as we crawled down the optimistically named Northwest Expressway. “Maybe,” I said. “I’ll check with Mom when we get home.” “She’ll say no,” he said. “She’ll say we need to clean our rooms, or read a book, or play outside. Or… or something else.” The tires on the van made a couple more rotations. “Dad?” asked Patrick. “Can we get another hamster?” What a radical idea. We hadn’t had a hamster die on us in weeks. “Well, maybe,” I answered. “We’ll see what Mom thinks.”
I turned off the radio. “Dad?” came the voice again. “Can we eat out tonight?” “Probably,” I said. “If Mom doesn’t already have something planned.” I pushed a cassette tape into the player. “Dad?” Patrick asked. “Is Mom the head of our house?” Wham! I felt like I was in a ten‐car pileup. My face was turning red.
My temperature was rising. I was suddenly feeling closed in by the cars surrounding me. I looked in the rearview mirror. Patrick was perched in the middle of the seat behind me, an innocent little grin on his face.
“Patrick,” I said, “I am the head of the household. I make the decisions. And don’t you forget it. Understand?”
“Okay,” he said. “Does that mean we can eat out, go to the movies, and pick up a new hamster on the way home?”
He’d set me up. And I almost fell for it. He was watering down the parent partnership, looking for a crack in which to stick a wedge, testing a biblical concept, and looking for the advantage in the process.
What do pizza, hamsters, and big‐screen fantasy have to do with whether or not I am fulfilling my role as head of the family? I asked myself that question as I zeroed in on the bumper in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and avoided the accident. Fortunately, we were at the expressway’s top speed of seven miles an hour.
For scoring purposes, we did eat out and go to the movies that night, but we decided to sell the hamster cage. “We” made those decisions, his mother and I. This “head of the household” thing is very touchy to me. When I was growing up, there was never any doubt. Mother was the head of the household. But she had never intended it to be that way. She was supposed to have had a partner. She understood the concept of a helpmeet. If my father had been a different kind of man and hadn’t left us when I was six years old, she would have made a wonderful complement to him.
“You must be a man,” she would tell me when I was a teenager. “Take the responsibility; don’t run from the decisions; love your wife; cherish your children.”
And be the head of the household.
So I always wanted to be the head of the household: ruler over all I surveyed, supreme commander, father and master of my many loyal subjects. I carried this dream to the altar and later into the delivery room—five times. My kingdom went from squalling to crawling to sprawling all around me.
So, if I am the head of the household, why is the head aching and the house barely holding together? And if I am the head of the household, why do I sometimes go to bed with dishpan hands and worry that I’ve forgotten to unplug the iron?
If I am the head of the household, why do I have to barter for time to watch a football game on television, promising to ride bikes for two hours in exchange for ten minutes of solitude?
And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cut my subjects’ plates of meat after I set the table? And why do I have to clear the table and pick up mushy mashed potatoes from the floor with my bare hands while everyone else has dessert they weren’t supposed to get unless they ate all their mashed potatoes?
And, if I am the head of the household, why do I have to cover five other bodies before I pull my own blanket up to my own chin; explain away everybody else’s nightmares before I take on my own; fluff their pillows and tuck their feet back under the sheets; get them one more drink; and plug in their night‐lights?
And if I am the head of the household, why do I have to rub my wife’s back before she can go to sleep?
Why, I ask? Why do I have to do all these things? Because I am the head of the household, that’s why. If I don’t listen… if I am inconsiderate of others… if I make decisions without the input of the wife God gave me…if I try to do it on my own without God, then I may as well forget about being the head of the household.
That’s what I’ll tell Patrick next trip down the Northwest Expressway. We’ll have plenty of time.
Looking ahead…
Husband, this week is designed especially for you. (But we still want your wife to participate!) Like the author of the story above, do you sometimes struggle with your role as “head of the house”? What exactly does that mean, anyway? It is a controversial topic in today’s world, but there are biblical truths on which to base an understanding.
We’ll offer some of these principles this week. For tonight, why don’t you tell your wife how you define “head of the house”—then ask if she agrees.
– James C Dobson
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – The Conversation Game
“As a fair exchange… open wide your hearts.” 2 Corinthians 6:13
My husband has used a single illustration to help parents teach the art of communication to their children. It might be useful to our female readers, as well, in explaining to their husbands how to talk to them. It goes like this:
Give three tennis balls to your husband and ask him to throw them back one at a time. Instead of returning the balls, however, simply hold them. He’ll be left wondering what to do next. Obviously, it isn’t much of a game. Then explain your point—good conversation is much like a game of catch. You “throw” an idea or comment to your husband (How was work?), and he tosses it back (Great! I finally finished that project for the boss). If your husband doesn’t return it (Work was fine), the game ends. Both players feel awkward and wish they were somewhere else.
Of course, husbands and wives should do more than toss superficial details to each other. They should practice sharing dreams, feelings, marriage, spiritual goals, etc. But it all starts with playing the conversation game.
– Shirley M Dobson
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Too Much Honesty
“Let your conversation be always full of grace.” Colossians 4:6
Most marriage counselors emphasize communication as a foundation for a healthy relationship: Nothing should be withheld from the marital partner. There is wisdom in that advice, provided it’s applied with common sense. It may be honest for a man to tell his wife that he hates her fat legs, her varicose veins, or the way she cooks. It’s honest for a woman to dump her anger on her husband and constantly berate him for his shortcomings and failures. But honesty that does not have the best interest of the other person at heart is really a cruel form of selfishness.
Some couples, in their determination to share every thought and opinion, systematically destroy the sweet spark of romance that once drew them together. They’ve lost any sense of mystique in the relationship.
So how does one express intimate feelings while avoiding too much honesty? Paul’s advice to all Christians works especially well for married partners: “Let your conversation be always full of grace.”
Just between us…
- Am I sometimes so honest with you that my words are hurtful?
- Do you think there should be exceptions to telling “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” in marriage?
- We know that God honors truthfulness, so how do we apply this to marital communication?
- In what areas could we use more honesty and in what areas, more grace?
Heavenly Father, we know that truthfulness is Your will for our lives—but please give us the wisdom to know when to speak the truth and when to keep it to ourselves. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Word Pictures
“Jesus spoke to them again in parables, saying: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son.’” Matthew 22:1–2
Another extremely useful communication technique is the word picture, described by Gary Smalley and John Trent in their book The Language of Love. In one of their examples, a high school teacher and football coach named Jim came home each evening too tired to even talk to his wife, Susan, leaving her frustrated and angry. Finally, Susan told Jim a story about a man who went to breakfast with his fellow coaches. The man ate his favorite omelet, then gathered up some crumbs and put them in a bag. Then he went to lunch with more friends and ate a turkey tenderloin pie and a huge salad. Again, he put a few crumbs in a doggie bag to take with him. When he came home that night, he handed his wife and their two boys the little bags of leftovers.
“That’s the way I feel when you come home with nothing left to give,” Susan said. “All we get are leftovers. I’m waiting to enjoy a meal with you, hoping for time to talk and laugh and get to know you, longing to communicate with you the way you do every day with the guys. But all we get are doggie bags. Honey, don’t you see? We don’t need leftovers. We need you.”
Susan’s word picture brought tears to Jim’s eyes and led to positive changes in their marriage. You, too, may find that a graphic word picture is more effective at getting your mate’s attention than a torrent of hostile words.
Just between us…
- Why are word pictures often effective?
- Jesus often used word pictures to make a point (e.g., “I am the Good
Shepherd”). What word picture describes your feelings about us?
Lord, teach us to share our inner selves with our spouse. Remind us of the great value of this intimate exchange between married lovers. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Quick Listening
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
The ability to listen well is harder than it seems. You may recall this old party game: A girl whispers to the boy next to her a sentence such as “Three cows crossed the road to drink from the stream.” The boy then whispers the sentence to another boy sitting next to him, and on the message goes in a circle. By the time the sentence gets back to the person who started it, it’s transformed into “Trees grow crusty toadstools to think about steam.”
Communication between husband and wife can become equally muddled unless we follow the scriptural wisdom offered in James 1:19: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Author‐counselors Chuck and Barb Snyder recommend a “quick listening” technique based on this verse. Following a disagreement, a husband and wife sit down together and fully explain their feelings about the issue. The catch is that the other spouse can’t interrupt. Partners may try this and still disagree, but by giving their opinion and listening to their mate’s, they’ll increase their chances of understanding each other… and of staying best friends.
Just between us…
- Do you sometimes feel that you tell me one thing and I hear something else?
- Do either of us tend to interrupt before the other can fully express himself or herself?
- If we tried “quick listening” after all our disagreements, how might it change our marriage?
Father, we want to put Your truths about listening, speaking, and controlling anger to work in our marriage. We ask You to give us Your grace and strength. Help us to stick with it—and help us to notice the good results! Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – What Did You Say?
“Let the wise listen and add to their learning.” Proverbs 1:5
Men may use less speech than women, but both sexes have been accused of not using their sense of hearing. “You never told me that” is a common household refrain. I (jcd) am reminded of the night my father was preaching at an open tent service. During his sermon, an alley cat decided to take a nap on the platform. My father, who was 6’4″, took a step backward and planted his heel squarely on the poor creature’s tail. The cat went crazy, scratching and clawing to free himself. But Dad, intent on his message, didn’t notice. He later said he thought the screech came from the brakes of automobiles at a nearby stop sign. When my father finally moved his foot, the cat took off like a Saturn rocket.
This story illustrates the communication problem many couples face.
For example, a wife “screams” for attention and intimacy but feels that he doesn’t even notice. It’s not that he can’t hear her; it’s that he’s thinking about something else or is completely misinterpreting her signals. This situation can easily be improved by simply “tuning in” to the station on which your mate is broadcasting. The truth is that careful listening feels so much like love that most of us can hardly tell the difference.
Just between us…
- When we tell each other something that doesn’t get through, who is to blame—the “sender,” the “receiver,” or both?
- What have you wanted to say, but didn’t because you couldn’t get my attention?
- How could learning to listen better to each other help us listen better to God?
Dear God, teach us the wisdom and grace of listening. Help us to pay attention to each word as though we were listening to You. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples –Words, Words
“We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you.” 2 Corinthians 6:11
Every knowledgeable marriage counselor knows that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings to their wives is one of the most common complaints of women.
Research shows that little girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than little boys; it remains a lifelong talent. As an adult, she is typically far better at expressing her thoughts and feelings. God may have given her 50,000 words per day and her husband only 25,000. He comes home with 24,994 used up and disappears into Monday Night Football; she is dying to expend her remaining 25,000 words and find out what he’s thinking, what happened at the office, and, especially, how he feels about her. This difference between him and her—a function of their inherited temperaments—is one of countless ways they are unique.
When communication is a problem, compromise is in order. The clammed‐up husband must press himself to open his heart and share his deeper feelings. The frustrated wife must recognize that her man may not be capable of the emotional intimacy she seeks. They must seek to fix what can be improved—and to accept the rest.
Just between us…
- Is it true in our case that the wife has twice as many words to use up each day as the husband?
- Have our communicative differences created problems between us? • In terms of sharing feelings, how would you like our marriage to change?
- What hinders good communication between us? How can we change?
Lord, help us to celebrate our differences as man and woman while tenderly and joyfully helping each other make the most of our union with every word. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – Men Have a Six-word Limit
by Erma Bombeck
I have publicly stated that men speak approximately six words a day in their homes. A few readers have challenged me and want to know what the six words are.
I should have qualified my statement. The six words are not necessarily spoken in sequence, nor are they necessarily spoken to wives.
A friend of mine, for example, has a husband who saves his six words until the Carson show has signed off and she is fast asleep. Then he snaps on all the lights in the bedroom, punches his pillow, shakes her out of a sound slumber and says, “Did you turn off the hose?”(6)
Some men will blow their quota at one time.
They’ll garage the car, make tracks to the kitchen, take the lid off the fry pan and announce loudly, “I had it for lunch.”(5) Then, realizing he has used only five words, he will add, “Yuck!”
Others will spend a half dozen words in obscenities directed toward Bobby’s bicycle in the driveway.
My week gets off to a slow start but builds to a feverish climax. Monday, Me: “Say something.” Him: “What ya want me to say?”(6) Tuesday, Me: “What kind of day did you have?”
Him: “Don’t aggravate me. You wouldn’t believe.”(6) Wednesday, Me: “Try me.” Him: “Where’s the rest of the paper?”(6) Thursday, Me: “We had a crisis here today.”
Him: “The dog isn’t lost, is he?”(6)
Friday, Me: “Guess what? Know who called today? And is coming to dinner? And is bringing her new husband with her? And can’t wait to talk your arm off? Are you ready?”
Him: “No. No. No. No. No. No.”(6)
Saturday, Me: “I’ll be out for a while. I’ve got some errands to do at the shopping center.”
Him: “Admit it. My chattering gets on your nerves.”(8)
Sunday, Me: “Do you know you spoke eight words to me yesterday? I wouldn’t be surprised if you were starting a new trend.”
Him: “Don’t count on it.”(4)
Part of man’s silence is woman’s doing. We created the strong, silent, masculine image. The silence represented deep thought, a repression of emotions. A quiet man was an island of mystery, a challenge to probe and discover as years went on. I always thought a quiet man was subtle and romantic.
But that was before I started arguing with the tropical fish over which channel we were going to watch.
LOOKING AHEAD
The art of communication doesn’t come naturally to all of us. Some folks just don’t like to talk much. Others talk incessantly without ever really saying anything. But when it comes to marriage, communication is one of the keys to success. Those who master this skill are likely to enjoy a meaningful, fulfilling, productive relationship. Those who continually fail to understand each other, however, often feel isolated and alone. It is a major contributor to divorce.
We’ll offer some tips this week that can improve your communication skills. I hope that by next Sunday your daily word count will be at least in the double digits—and even more, that your partner will understand what you say.
– James C Dobson
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – A Perfect Affection
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:6
In earlier generations most folks accepted without question the concept of marriage as a lifetime commitment. My father‐in‐law, James Dobson Sr., was no exception. This is what he said to his fiancée after she agreed to become his wife:
I want you to understand and be fully aware of my feelings concerning the marriage covenant we are about to enter. I have been taught at my mother’s knee, in harmony with the Word of God, that the marriage vows are inviolable, and by entering into them I am binding myself absolutely and for life. The idea of estrangement from you through divorce for any reason at all [although God allows one—infidelity] will never at any time be permitted to enter into my thinking. I’m not naive in this. On the contrary, I’m fully aware of the possibility, unlikely as it now appears, that mutual incompatibility or other unforeseen circumstances could result in extreme mental suffering. If such becomes the case, I am resolved for my part to accept it as a consequence of the commitment I am now making and to bear it, if necessary, to the end of our lives together.
I have loved you dearly as a sweetheart and will continue to love you as my wife. But over and above that, I love you with a Christian love that demands that I never react in any way toward you that would jeopardize our prospects of entering heaven, which is the supreme objective of both our lives. And I pray that God Himself will make our affection for one another perfect and eternal.
James and Myrtle Dobson enjoyed a loving, committed, fulfilling marriage that began in 1935 and ended with his death in 1977. They never wavered for a moment through all those years. If you approach your own marriage with this determination, you’ll establish a stable, rewarding relationship that will last a lifetime.
– Shirley M Dobson
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples – “I Promise…”
“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37
Love can be defined in myriad ways, but in marriage “I love you” really means “I promise to be there for you all of my days.” It is a promise that says, “I’ll be there when you lose your job, your health, your parents, your looks, your confidence, your friends.” It’s a promise that tells your partner, “I’ll build you up; I’ll overlook your weaknesses; I’ll forgive your mistakes; I’ll put your needs above my own; I’ll stick by you even when the going gets tough.”
This kind of assurance will hold you steady through all of life’s ups and downs, through all the “better or worse” conditions.
The Lord has demonstrated throughout the ages that He keeps His promises—including the most important one of all, reserving a spot in heaven for each of His followers, for all eternity. Since God keeps His promises, we must keep ours too—especially the one we made before God, our family, our friends, and our church on our wedding day.
Just between us…
- What part of my wedding vow means the most to you now?
- In what ways has our pledge to “stick together no matter what” seen us through hard times?
- How do we benefit spiritually from keeping our commitments?
Dear Lord, give us Your strength today to honor our promises. May our word be our bond—to each other, to our friends, and to family and associates. Thank You that You never waiver on Your promises to us! Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
Night Light for Couples –Frustrating Foibles
“Be kind and compassionate to each other, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
The great tragedies of life can undermine committed love, but so can minor frustrations. These daily irritants, when accumulated over time, may be even more threatening to a marriage than the catastrophic events that crash into our lives. And yes, there are times in every marriage when a husband and wife don’t like each other very much. There may be occasions when anger or disappointment takes the fun out of a relationship temporarily. Emotions are like that. They occasionally flatten out like an automobile tire with a nail in it. Riding on the rim is a pretty bumpy experience for everyone on board.
The next time you’re tempted to trade in your spouse, remember that divorce must never be considered an option for those who are committed to each other for life. Instead, determine to work on your points of friction and to accept the human frailties and faults in your spouse. He or she must accept an equal number of flaws in you as well. A covenant of commitment and acceptance is a powerful secret to lifelong love.
Just between us…
- What “daily irritant” between us is most frustrating to you?
- Have we gotten better or worse at handling everyday aggravations?
- How can we reduce frustrations in our marriage?
Dear God, You know how little irritations often cause pain in our marriage. As we humbly release these irritations to You, please heal us. Forgive us our pride. Anoint us with grace. Grow in us a love that’s stronger than any fault or foible. Amen.
From Night Light For Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson
DAILY DEVOTIONS, NEWS AND INFORMATION 