My Story (in Four Verses)
The weight of a double life
On January 19, 2015, I boarded a plane headed home from West Palm Beach. I boarded that plane a dead man. What I professed with my mouth was in direct contradiction to how I was living. I was lying and deceiving everyone in my life.
For the previous seven years, I had willfully given my heart over to gambling. No one in my life knew anything. And worse still, in order to fund my gambling habit, I stole money from my company.
I was a fraud – in every sense of the word. It was the activity that I was perpetuating at my company. I am a thief. I am a white-collar criminal.
Yet, even in a larger sense, my entire life had become a sham. I was stuck in a Psalm 40 pit of miry clay. I had gotten to where I couldn’t stand to hear anyone praise me, for I knew the real truth about myself. I struggled to accept relational intimacy with my wife, for I was an unworthy husband. I couldn’t even accept the hugs of my four young children (at the time), for I knew who their daddy truly was.
VERSE 1 – THE WARNING
Proverbs 21:6 – The acquisition of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death.
I’ve tested that warning from God. And my soul attests to its veracity. I was a dead man on the inside . . . but praise be to God, for our God is a God of resurrection and from Him come escapes from death (Psalm 68:20).
Choosing freedom over fear
The night before the plane ride, I sat down and wrote out an old-school “pros and cons” list about whether to confess or not. The ”cons” side was long. I would shock and disappoint everyone in my life. I would lose my job. I had no idea how I’d pay back the stolen funds. My wife and kids would know the truth about me. I would have to tell my story to others. I might even go to jail.
The “pros” list was short.
But, it was powerful. It was just four words: YOU WILL BE FREE.
My sin had imprisoned me. I hated who I had become. But, even more than that, I began to hate who I wasn’t.
I sat on the plane, shaking, as I began to write down a second list. We’ll call this a list of “who I longed to be,” who God intended me to be. I longed to become salt and light, a city on a hill, an Ephesians 5 husband, a 2 Timothy 2 workman who could accurately handle the word of God; a follower who doesn’t shrink back at His coming, but rather one day might hear “well done, good and faithful servant.”
On and on, I kept writing down what FREEDOM might look like in my life. Then the Spirit gently but firmly reminded me that such a faithful person must first confess.
So, I put my pen down.
I logged on to airplane WIFI (praise God for airplane WIFI!) and I texted my community group that I was ready to lay down the life I had been leading.
Lots of tears. But this time, a different type.
VERSE 2 – THE TURNING
2 Corinthians 7:10 – For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.
For seven years prior, I had sorrow for my sin, but my worldly sorrow just spiraled me further toward death. This new sorrow, one born of the Spirit, was leading me toward repentance.
The path of radical transparency
As a teenager, I learned a helpful math formula about sin and freedom. I had to learn it the hard way, but it’s stuck with me ever since: 90 percent confession, a 98 percent confession, heck, even a 99.5 percent confession will deliver 0 percent freedom.
I wanted the true freedom Christ promises to those who walk fully transparent in the light. So when I landed, I confessed 100.0 percent of my sin to my community group. They went with me as I told my wife. And again, as I told my employer.
It was a long day (and not just for me, as you can imagine). But when I put my head on my pillow that night, I was free (cf Proverbs 3:24).
The next day, I went to re:generation (a 12-step ministry) and began following through on the godly sorrow leading me to repent.
I get asked a lot – “Why do you count your days?” I count my days because each day can tell its own story of how God has sustained me when my own power has failed. I count my days because they’re how long I’ve truly been in love with Christ and have trusted His ways, even when the path is darkest.
I count my days because that’s how many days I have woken up with the hope that God is at work. I count my days not because it’s been easy, but because I’ve seen the evident hand of God fighting for me (cf 2 Chronicles 20:15).
4,220 days ago, I tasted the freedom of Christ, and I haven’t wanted to taste anything else since.
Repairing what was broken
As part of my recovery process, and in a desire to honor God and love my friends, I looked my sin in the mirror, and I humbly considered, as best I could, all the damage it had caused.
Two months after I confessed, I did a full audit of my financial transgressions. It was 42 pages long, detailing various ways I had stolen six figures worth of money from my company.
It was ugly and condemning as sin always is. The audit sat in my backpack, shaming me everywhere I carried it.
As God would have it, that night I was reading about King David and his repentance after his affair with Bathsheba when I got a timely cross-reference from the Spirit.
VERSE 3 – THE RESTORATION
Ezekiel 33:15-16 – If a wicked man restores a pledge, pays back what he has stolen, walks by the statutes which ensure a life without committing iniquity, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of his sins that he has committed will be remembered against him. He has practiced justice and righteousness; he shall surely live.
I remember thinking, ” Who is this God who takes our shame, forgets our sin, and offers life in its place?” I had tested the warnings of Scripture, but now I wanted to taste the promises of Scripture.
It wasn’t easy, but I paid back what I stole. I believe restitution is a gift to those you’ve harmed, and such repentance honors God (cf Exodus 22, Luke 19:8).
I also learned there were some things I couldn’t quantify or pay back dollar for dollar. There are consequences for years of lying, betrayal, and broken trust. Even as I looked my friends in the eyes and sought forgiveness from them, I knew I couldn’t fix it all in one day, one month, or even one year. I just had to keep walking out my repentance each day and trust that God (in time) could cover, repair, and even redeem the relational holes my sin had caused.
As I stacked days of faithful repentance, I did get to see God’s promises play out. Christ’s love has a way of covering a multitude of sins. It has a way of repairing what seemed desperately broken. It has a way of taking something I meant for evil and turning it for good, even saving the lives of many (Genesis 50:20).
Redeemed to serve
About a year and a half into my recovery journey, I got a call from my church asking me if I’d be interested in leading the re:generation ministry there. I was stunned.
“But you know what I’ve done,” I stuttered. “Yes, we’ve witnessed the repentance” is all that was said.
VERSE 4 – THE CALLING
Ezra 7:10 – for Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach His statutes and rules in Israel.
So my new life as a recovery pastor began. But my new habits didn’t change. My heart stayed set on pursuing the Lord. My soul kept hungering for the Word of the Lord. My hands kept desiring to just live out what I read about in my Bible. And somewhere along the way, the Lord used all of it to help lead others toward freedom in Christ.
Such are the ways of our Lord, I’ve learned.
It’s ironic now, when I look back on my “cons” list, how every consequence I feared on that list has become a blessing in time. I lost my job, as well I should have, but the Lord had a new occupation awaiting me in time (see also the life of Matthew). I saw the Lord’s provision in countless ways, helping me pay back that which I stole.
And sure enough, I have had to tell my story. By my conservative count, I’ve told my story over a thousand times, whether in a coffee shop, on a stage, or on an internet news site. But, well, that deserved to be on the “pros” list. What a gift to get to tell the story of Christ’s redemption in my life. I never tire of telling others how He has rescued me.
People ask me often, “What about your kids? Did you tell them?” Well, that’s maybe the biggest gift of all.
A few days after I confessed, we sat around the table as a wounded, but hopeful family. I told my young kids what I had done, how I had tested the warnings of Scripture and found them to be true. We cried.
But then, my wife and I said with some good, godly tears in our eyes that “now daddy’s going to test the promises of Scripture and we get to watch those come true too.”
And oh, what we’ve seen.
Writer’s note: If you’re interested in hearing more of my story or how my story affected my wife and friend/employer, you can hear more through these podcasts:
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